Archive for July, 2009

Joe Biden should be put in a home.

July 26, 2009

people bitched about McCaine being too damn old, think again assholes! look at this guy right here, Joe Biden. every time he stands up he makes an ass of himself, actually i’m greatful for that, actually it makes my life better knowing that there’s a Vice President out there who’s dumber than my Aunts fake tits. my Aunt would be a better vice president than Joe Biden, and not her, just one of her boobs is smarter than Joe Biden. how in the hell Obama puts up with him is beyond me, he’s like one of those granparents you constantly yell at cause he keeps shitting his pants all day. i bet he has to wear diapers! what an asshole! i remember one time he told a crippled man to stand up so people could give him a round of applause.

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i mean maybe it’s time to consider Shady Acres.

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Superman rules.

July 25, 2009

in the old Superman comics there aren’t certain acts and words he said that make Superman out to be a dick….or the greatest man who ever lived. i’ll show you why Superman rules.

1. Jimmy Olsen is queer.

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first off the only way to love your child is to beat them and be a total dick. if your child doesn’t fear you or resent you in some way you have failed. and when they resent you make sure they’re to big of a puss to even stand up to you. and so in this Superman cover we see another dick action of Superman. i’m sure that night Jimmy cried himself to sleep and Superman has crushed all his hopes and dreams.

2. making sure people fail.

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it’s like when you were a kid and someone else had a better diarama better than you. why i call shit kicking kids and giving them swirlies in the toilet and making them burn their own projects so i’d get the better grade. i’d like to think he totally fucked up Pat Boone and totally bitch slapped Louis around.

3.

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every time Superman is such a dick to Louis Lane he has such a huge smile upon his face. here’s another example:

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Superman…dick or greatest man ever? you decide.

why apple store employees suck.

July 24, 2009

all college age kids. college kids if you don’t realize it are the most retarded people to come in contact with. i myself am in college and i think most of the kids are about as smart as a girl with big tits. in apples case it’s worse. it’s the college know it all hippies that they think they are the greatest thing to grace this earth all because they masturbate to porn on an apple computer. let’s look at potential people who at some point in college will work at an apple store because it’s hip.

1. Michael Cera: the captain of Pussies United.

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i wouldn’t wanna deal with a dipshit talking to me like they way they do at the apple stores. actually today my macbook broke down and i went in and told them i needed it fixed right away, i made up a bullshit excuse because i felt like being an enormous dick to everyone there and said i needed to drop photos off for a magazine at midnight and i was doing an internship. ┬áthen some girl who looked like a surfboard lectured me and rambled for a bit and i all remember was thinking that i’ve seen zits bigger on trekkies faces than this womans tits. when she stopped her incessant bitching i gave her two options.

1. get breast implants and give an appointment.

2. make me a sandwich and shut the hell up.

both we’re refused so i bitch slapped her and left the store. i left thinking about how much i hate apple employees. their manager is this odd dude with a really bad mohawk probley blares stupid indie rock music cause it makes him cool and not normal, he thinks for himself. way to go asshole you’ve come a long way, buying into different fads is way different. fuck when i was little i bought into beanie babies so i was totally different. assholes.

Robert Gibbs a dumb ass.

July 23, 2009

every time i see that asshole find a candy bar in his pocket and start laughing and then whole room starts laughing i reminded of how much life sucks. some fat ass gets into a position that he sucks at and then is paid a lot to ramble about nothing. it’s like when you get into a room with a grandparent you don’t like who just shits himself all day and talk about his buddies in world war two. no one cares. i bet this is how it would go if i were a press secretary for a president.

Reporter: isn’t it true that American’s are ignorant and Washington doesn’t know what it’s doing?

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Me: “come again asshole!?!?”

Reporter: GOD BLESS AMERICA.

that’s right, press secretary with balls. and what huge balls they are. when people see my balls it’s the kind of reaction everyone got in star wars when they first stumble upon the death star.

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hire me for press secretary you won’t be sorry.

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince was a shit burger.

July 21, 2009

just when i thought harry potter couldn’t get any worse the dipshits suprised me, it got worse. i’ve gone to every movie at the urging of my brother, he agrees with me, the movies suck a dick. let me point out why the movie was a shitburger.

1. for a good 30 minuetes no one knows what the hell you’re talking about.

sure maybe those harry potter nerds that take the book into their bathrooms and jerk off at the thought of Harry pulling out his big long black hard wand, but to those of us who don’t read your gay little books WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. it was like watching Superman Returns with a bunch of bad acting british teenagers. they would’ve made off better by casting the undersexed readers that read these books. dear God, great move on that failure dipshits.

2. All Filler.

Dumbledore is so senile i can’t even stand it. some put that asshole in a home already. i loved it when Dumbledore died, it was like finally your old rambling Grandpa finally died and your glad you don’t have to take his shit anymore. if i were at Hogwarts i would have rejoiced when he did. THE BITCH IS DEAD, THANK GOD. Harry was obviously horny for Dumbledor, i was just waiting for a scene where he asks him to step into the master bedroom and it cuts to Harry making breakfast for Dumblesdore and then cut back to the old bastards wrinkly skin. even when they journeyed to find that the worst name for a villian ever in any movie or book Voldermort. what is this? it’s like some PBS children show hopped up on cocaine. i would rather watching a Lord Of The Rings nerd try to take off a womans bra for the first time than this pile of shit.

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3. it’s like an ABC Family Porno.

so everyone got their pubes at Hogwarts. somehow Ron makes the gay team that plays with balls and broom sticks all day and all the girls wanna bang this ginger. in real life it doesn’t go like that assholes. NO ONE WANTS TO DO A GINGER. having a ginger’s penis up in you is about as bad as it gets. if your man enough then you get all access into any girls pants despite the fact your ginger. but no, not any girl in their right mind would bang Ron. for crying outloud does the asshole even know how to take a bra off? NO! i think Ron must have slipped roofies into all the girls drinks cause little ginger creeps like him disgust me. i’m a ginger and weird ginger assholes like that tool make me puke. i’ve only met 3 other normal gingers besides from me, we’re not weird little fucks like you Ron, do the world a favor and just not star in the movies, i think they should’ve cast Chris Tucker. then you’d actually be getting laid. asshole.

4. the only part i enjoyed.

so appearntly in this wizard school that anyone can go to and get themselves plastered. Ron’s little girlfriend, Herman is it’s name or something, i don’t know what the fuck it is, but she decided to get piss drunk and down a whole mug of beer. what’s next? is she gonna flash her tits to everyone in the bar? wait wait, she’ll wake up the next day and realize she’s pregnant. way to go Herman. and the other thing i don’t get, do they not card at this fucking place? there are kids who are like 7 getting drunk in there. whats next do they do lines of coke off each others dicks in their bedrooms? Hogwarts probley has it’s own meth lab, that’s what that whole potions class is all about.

way to fail at another movie assholes.

some fashion advice i’ll pull right out my ass.

July 21, 2009

i don’t know dick about fashion but i sure i know how gay it is now days. today i went to some upscale mall to look at some stores but only one store was at the mall that i could semi-stand, and NOT because i loved the store, they just had some shitty flannel shirts that i liked and they were cheap and shitty. it was the only store there i didn’t have to cut off my balls and pay them with that. first off heres my complaint, some bitches walked up behind me and asked to go around cause i wasn’t going fast enough for them. SALES CAN FUCKING WAIT. i should have bitch slapped her and said to learn her place. you know the type i am talking about, the bitches with the real stuck up nose think their better than you probley text all day about how they get off to fashion papers and that some dude in front of them is wearing shorts and fucking no name blandness and blah t-shirt. i think my balls have bigger brains than both of you combined. anyways it sparked my idea that i can give you dickheads some fashion advice, from a real man who doesn’t give a shit-tit about fashion.

1.) these scarves make you look like a pretentious dipshit who probley jerks guys off so they’ll buy them beer.

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then i went a step further. on amazon i looked at other things these dick chokers would buy on amazon and it’s pretty shocking how pussified this next item is.

2. YOU DON’T HAVE TITS SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW OFF ASSWIPE.

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i bet you’ve seen these assholes. theres a whole group of them in v-neck t-shirts, all of them went to starbucks and bought coffee and are now playing ass grab downtown and talking about how cool they are and all this talk about themselves just gave them a raging boner that needs to be jerked off now. every time i see a group of these dickheads i just wanna slap their coffee out of their hands and drop a big shit right into their face. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU CAUSE OF YOUR CLOTHES ASSHOLE!! they also think you have to be politically correct and probley take girls out and bang them in their hybrid car cause their banging this time is environmentally friendly. asshole.

3. have you seen my tits lately?

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this makes you look like a fucking surfboard. is this for pregnant women? why the hell are women wearing clothes that look like they were made for a girl who just got knocked up? you know what i miss? remember those bras that made women look like they had parking cone boobs growing out’ve their chest? they should bring those back since assholes are making pregnant teen clothes for all our women.

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slap this on and give that surfboard some form!

4. Rest In Peace My Boner.

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you have giant man tits growing out your back. and what the fuck, why are we calling this thing a tunic? get educated asshole that’s not a tunic.

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now that’s a fucking tunic and some kick ass clothes right there.

facebook album names are gay.

July 20, 2009

if i had a dime for every time i saw some whore on facebook passed out drunk laughing and dudes with popped collared shirts drinking bud light i would be one fucking rich man. or the hipster albums where the modern douche bags dance to hippie jam music smoke a ton of joints and drink fancy beer then have a gay make out session in some girls bed. i mean i think my balls have more intelligence and originality than you twats. i have a great idea for a great facebook album, it’s just great close up photos of my balls and it’s called I DON’T HAVE AN INDENITIY CRISIS FAGGOTS. heres a list of really really gay facebook album names you could choose from if you really wanna fit your social sterotype:

frat tool:

GREAT DRINKING TIMES AND TITTIES HANDJOBS FOR FREE.

CHICS SUCKING DICKS AND BONGHITS.

4:20 DUDE.

LET’S GET FUCKED UP.

Or if you are one of those faggy hipsters heres another list for you:

GREAT HANG OUT SESH.

WE CALL IT THIRSTY THURSDAY.

HERES SOME SHITTY ART WORK AND PHOTOS I TAKE, DOES ANYBODY LIKE ME YET? AM I COOL YET? PLEASE SOMEONE LIKE MEEEEE.

CONOR OBERST AND BRIGHT EYES TOTALLY MAKE ME JIZZ MY PANTS.

2 of those were taken from a kid on facebook i know. it’s hilarious to see his friends trying to the beatniks and his gay album names.

Congratulations you are total douche bags. we award hipsters and faggy frat boys every where the biggest tool award. you are leading the way for tools everywhere, so run on ahead boys and show em the way. you are making the way for the retarded youth of america.

this just proves my point that America’s youth is totally retarded. and if you think the douchebag problem isn’t a big one…think again.

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why the 50’s ruled.

July 20, 2009

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women actually did their job then. i don’t think anything else is necessary there.

this right here was the end of all good things as men know it:

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my God what have we done!?

something independent supporters know how to do…

July 19, 2009

SHUT THE FUCK UP! i had to deal with enough of the modern hippies who followed Obama cause it was the cool thing to do, and then i had to deal with everyone acting like they wanted to suck him off during the All Star Baseball game. most of the presidents that get elected now days are dipshits. actually there is only one person i’d like to see as a President and it’s Ron Paul, but that’ll probley ever happen cause as of right now American’s are being retards.

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i’m sorry you’re a total douche bag. this last election sucked a big dick. everyone seemed to get all gay for their party when both people sucked. then all the democrats got a big hard one had a circle jerk thinking they were changing everything and then unemployment rose to the highest. but out of all that the worst people are the Obama supporters. i don’t hate Obama, i just think he’s basically a worse version of Jimmy Carter and that the country is gonna be a shithole at the rate it’s going. but the Obama culture is just about the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen, let me show you what i mean.

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congratulations you are a total tool. heres how i think it would go down if one of these tools met Obama.

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you suck and i rule.

i hate green peace.

July 19, 2009

green peace sucks. it’s bad enough that we had to deal with the twats in the 60’s but now they brainwashed another retarded generation into thinking that somehow singing peace songs smoking dope and playing ass grab around trees will somehow save the forest. remember what happend with the last bunch of green hippie dipshits that walked this planet in the 60’s? HEADSHOPS2/C/06DEC96/MN/DF

you’ve come a long way dipshit! i could accomplish more with my left nut. and probley my left nut alone has more sense than this hippie burnout. whats worse is we now have little spoiled rich kids in elementary schools making all these gay movies about driving a hybrid car because global warming will rip the dick off every last living thing on earth. if a son showed his father his gay little movie it could one of two ways: 2_father_and_son_load

have a really gay family moment together. personally if my son showed me a shit film like that he made and it wouldn’t let me skip over it on my DVD player this is what would happen:

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green peace blows.